


Party 101

by MrUndisclosed



Category: Monster Prom (Video Game)
Genre: Bad Puns, But in like a comedic idiotic way, Drugs get used in this, F/M, So yeah, There's also mention of fly booties, and chugging alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 19:24:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14479512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrUndisclosed/pseuds/MrUndisclosed
Summary: Oz is accosted by Polly Geist, someone on whom they have an immense crush, and they have decided it's time for Oz to learn party 101. Pick up a motherfucking pencil my guy.





	Party 101

“Let me see your war face!” Polly yells at Oz.

“Too soon.” Oz mutters quietly in response but puts on their best...lack of war face regardless. Polly floats up close to Oz and nods slowly, floating a quick circuit around them. Oz feels as though their heart- or approximate organ that sustains life within their shadowy void- might rip out of their chest and run screaming to their locker. What in the world had Polly so interested in them all of a sudden?

Not that Oz was complaining, Polly was a smoking hottie and absolutely the sort of person they wanted to spend time with. But usually around about now Polly was hanging with Liam to take photos of food or coming up with a way to turn a profit with Vera. It was not normal for Polly to come find them.

“I’ve seen you,” Polly said from behind Oz, whispering in their ear. “I’ve seen you out there in the yard, by the party tree.” She said and Oz tenses up as he feels ghost boobs press into their back. A part of their brain wanted to know how Polly’s, AWESOME, tits could touch them when Polly was a ghost and they should phase through their body. This part of their brain was called a nerd and shoved in a brain locker while the other 99% of the brain screamed with glee at being touched by sweet Polly boob!

“Yeah,” Oz said as they felt Polly’s chin rest on their shoulder. “It’s….a cool place to hang out, my main dude Juan the small talking Latino cat chills there.” It was true, Oz and Juan were well known best buddies during the prequel game. Who could possibly forget when they discovered the true meaning of friendship and then challenged it to a match of chess boxing so it would buy them beer for an underaged kegger. 

Classic 100% cannon adventures.

“You know what I see when I look at you, Oz?” Polly asks and Oz shakes their head slowly. “I see...potential.” Oz is spun around to look at Polly, her face an inch from their own face...less face. “I see a caged party animal just waiting to get out and guess who has the motherfucking key to the cage.” Polly smirked at Oz who was too busy trying not to combust due to hotness proximity.

“You?” Oz says before Polly begins to fly off skyward dragging Oz with them. Oz does their best not to shriek as they leave the ground.

“Damn straight me!” Polly cackles as they soar to the library. “I’m the designated queen of parties! I rolled up Coachella and lit it with Burning Man! I am the partygeist and you Oz are my newest pet project.”

Oz was at once eager and horrified. Eager because spending time with Polly would surely lead to them heading to prom together, she wouldn’t take this level of interest if there wasn’t a desire to have a partner to rage through prom with. That said there was fear, a lot of fear. Polly was dead and the level of parties she was used to could lesser beings. There were stories of those who tried to party with Polly and suffering from life changing- or ending- consequences when they couldn’t keep up.

That said Oz felt like he was...pretty fun. Like if they had to put a number on it at least twenty fun! Twenty fun should be able to handle whatever Polly wanted. Oz really hopes it’s enough to handle whatever Polly wanted.

“Here we are at the book jail!” Polly says referring to the library. “Most of the time nobody shows up here,” she says which Oz knows is a lie...there’s someone everywhere at this school. “Worst case we run into The Coven and they get all ‘we’re studying to defeat shitthulhu master of we’re dumb basic bitches’ and we can ignore them.”

Oz sits down at a table covered in books, clearly Polly had a full curriculum in mind. They got a little notebook out of their book bag, one of their shadow pals sharpened a pencil for them and then Polly looked down.

“Oh ew, books.” She lifts one end to tip all the books onto the floor. She the reaches into her pockets and drops several packets of drugs, bottles of pills, mysterious fluid containers, three bricks of cocaine, a bong, a CD with the words ‘BOMB ASS TUNES’ written on it and finally a cabbage. 

“Welcome to party 101.” Polly tells Oz. “Pick up a motherfucking pencil.” 

Oz looks at the pencil they are currently holding and then back to Polly, waggling it some.

“Shit. You came ready.” Polly floats around the table before stopping. “The first thing we’re going to study is this.” Polly slams her ass down on the table. “Behold the boooooooty.” She grins at Oz who snaps the pencil they are holding in their hand.

Oz was sure they’d seen Polly’s butt at some point, right? Like for sure? For some reason all they could think of was the front of Polly, seeing her back half seemed as though it had never happened. Why was that? Regardless of that meta-comment if they had never seen it then how had they MISSED IT!? That ass was fat or was it phat? Regardless it was the kind of ass they write sonnets about declaring people like it and in that manner can’t utter a falsehood against it.

“The ass.” Polly says slapping her own, causing a jiggle that almost shattered poor Oz’s heart. “Is a multipurpose party tool.” She keeps talking but Oz is transfixed by that jiggle, how is it still going? “The ass can start a party, end it and even supply it.” She floats forward. “Dance floor crowded? WAH-BAM!” She swung her hips into a book case and it fell over. There was a loud scream.

“AHHH MY FUCKING LEGS!” Wailed The Slayer, now trapped under a bookcase. Oz furiously scribbled notes as Polly floated back swaying hips from side to side with such force that it might well have been a wrecking ball.

A sexy wrecking ball.

“My ass is a finely tuned weapon, I died in an ancient sport where hot chicks slammed ass all day, mine was an ass so great that they had me taken out before my title match.” She gazes forlornly to the sky. “They hit me with like nine cars. Then a bus. Then dropped a tiger on me.”

That sounds fake, but go off.

“Party too slow?” Polly shakes her ass. “Twerk can start it up.” She shakes her ass as though it’s the only way to make sense of a world without parties and Oz nods and nods and nods following the rhythm, they stopped taking notes. “Party STILL too slow there’s some skill ass-artistes out there who can smuggle a bong, fourteen pounds of weed and a limo worth of strippers up their ass.”

Oz looks at Polly expectantly and she just folds her arms over her chest.

“Fuck no, even I ain’t got a booty that bomb.” Polly floats over to Oz. “Okay show me what you’re working with.” Oz stands up gingerly and turns around. “Oh man, I’m sorry.”

“What?” Oz asks turning to look at Polly who makes a sign of the cross.

“Your ass is dead son, stiff as a board.” She slapped it and Oz screeched. “Like you are sans butt, where is your butt?”

“I’m made of shadows! Shadows don’t really have much in the way of booty.” Oz said and Polly frowns at this information, Oz feels like he failed some kind of check to do with smarts.

“Booty isn’t given it is earned! You know how I got this magnificent beast?” She gestures to said incredible unmissable ass. “I got mege illegal implants, it’s how I died!” She says and Oz….thinks that contradicts and earlier statement but keeps quiet. “You don’t got an ass you gotta get one!” Polly demands and Oz just nods several times.

“Okay.” Oz says not sure how they will, they know a few good witch doctors, some shady illegal surgeons so that might be a thing to look into.

“Okay so bad on the booty front.” Polly sighs. “I mean I’m killing the game so maybe I am expecting too much out of you. Let's move onto drinking and what you should and shouldn’t drink.” 

Polly draws a circle on a piece of paper and then writes “ALL OF IT” in the middle of it. “Any questions?”

Oz shakes their head. “No I think this speaks for itself, really.” Oz notices Polly now placing drinks in front of him. Lager, cider, a glass of peyote coyote saliva, a bucket of spider eyes, several cans of something with a name written in thick Chinese characters. All of the cans shake and screams can be heard coming from within the can. Oz looks at Polly.

“Show me.” She demands, eyes narrowing. Oz swallows and nods. They go into their bag and pull out two fountain pens they swiped from Liam’s desk because he was throwing away hundred dollar writing utensils as a protest against “Enslaving words by writing them down on paper” or something.

Fountain pens can be resold to hipsters not yet at Liam’s level for sick bank.

Polly watches intently, she’s never once seen a pen used in a party situation. Is this some truly new technique even she has not seen? Sacrilege. Oz hands the pens to two tiny little shadow pals who have taken up positions on their shoulders. Each of the lil shadow pals is wearing tiny shutter shades. 

Oz takes a slow breath and then LEAPS into action. The shadow pals stab the bottom of the cans and then Oz pops the tops. SHOTGUNNING the beers at super speed, tossing the cans over their shoulder and nailing The Slayer in the face. 

“Ah my face!” The Slayer falls back as Oz and their shadow pals pierce can after can and shotgun drink after drink. Can after can and when there was no can to pierce Oz didn’t slow down, if there was one thing a shadowy void of darkness could do it was drink you under the table.

Polly could only weep, it was beautiful. Such intense drinking prowess. Even when there was nothing left to drink Oz snapped around looking for more to drink before Polly stopped them.

“Real talk,” Polly began, “that was the hottest shit I have ever seen and I once saw a sun blow the moon.” She leans in to whisper in Oz’s ear. “You fucking rock, boo.” That last word all but sends Oz brain running out the ear to scream to the heavens.

“Yeah!” Oz says as the bravery of booze melts through their veins. “What’s next? I got this.” Polly removes a small tab of acid from her pockets and hands it over.

“So we’re gonna talk about drugs. Mostly what is and isn’t safe, the idea of being with people you trust while high and staying safe.” She turns to see Oz has taken the acid. “Dude that’s Viking Acid.”

Oh shit! Viking Acid is acid made using the manliest souls of Valhalla, dudes who despite being offered a forever party in Odin’s feast halls decided to say fuck that and became pure party acid. Anyone who takes that is guaranteed to get super high and do crazy shit.

“Oh fuck.” Oz mutters as the world starts to bleed apart. Polly just winks at him and takes her own tab of the stuff.

“You ain’t going down the rabbit hole alone, boo.” 

Then….everything happens.  
Oz and Polly are wrestling in a giant vat of vodka flavoured jello for the amusement of the Illuminati, who have promised to tell the winner all 11 of the secret KFC herbs and spices. Oz blinks and suddenly they are laying down on a table shirtless, they have abs all of a sudden. Rough, chiseled white abs...oh no wait Polly has drawn cocaine abs on him and is now snorting them away.

“I’m GONNA SNORT YOUR STRENGTH!” She screams and Oz starts crying, knowing they will never be this ripped again.

Oz was suddenly held hostage by a muscular Mexican man with a giant moustache, Polly was battling them with a machete. “Your little friend here is made up 80% Black Tar Heroin and we the EVIL CARTEL want to make them into drugs!”

“That’s now how that works!” Polly roars as she slices with her machete, whether she means that's not how telling a good story works- seriously nobody just blurts out what they are doing or how they feel! THAT MAKES ME SO MAD! Or that’s not how black tar heroin works...is up for debate.

Oz cowered in their princess outfit. Then they blinked again and Polly was trying to snort his arm, it was already in her nose up to the elbow.

“YOU ARE MADE OF DRUGS!” Polly yells, totally betrayed. Oz tries to tell her that no they just covered their arm in cocaine as a goof but Polly is too busy to hear them.

Oz sits up, back aching as they realize they’ve crashed their car into Liam’s poetry slam. “WE WIN THE POETRY SLAM!” Oz screams bum rushing a pile of Liam’s poetry and slamming it to the ground.

“Fucking no.” Liam rumbles and then Polly flies in slams her ass in his face, he shoots out the window.

“POETRY SLAM TAG TEAM CHAMPS!!!” Polly roars as she elbow drops the paper Oz is beating the shit out of, fuck words! FUCK EM.

Oz wakes up...somewhere. Above them is a twisting mobile of CD’s and those cast the light in strange shapes around the room. Oz feels like god has personally stubbed out a cigar in their mouth and then kicked them in the balls, right in the balls. Breathing hurts, brain hurts, lungs feel like they’ve been replaced with live opossums...Damien might have done that.

Oz tries to sit up but finds themselves pinned. They look to one side Polly lays passed out on their arm, Oz doesn’t let out the world’s loudest YEAAAAAA BOOOOI only because they are sure they talk wasps will fly out of their mouth. They place their arm Polly, tugging her closer.

“None of that weak shit boo.” Polly mutters grabbing his arm and slapping it on her ass. “You grab hold of that and don’t let go.” 

“Yes ma’am.” Oz states feeling that prime-ecto booty in hand. “Did...did I pass party 101?”

“I made you get teacher’s pet tattoo’d on your ass.” Polly said. “Flying colours, boo. Flying fucking colours.” She leans in presses her lips against Oz’s cheek. Oz doesn’t even care that they have an ass tattoo.


End file.
